Saturday, August 2, 2008

Historic First Post

I really do want to be a blogger when I grow up.

I love it when people write things which allow a community to be created in which we discuss things which are important. I love it when these things become a vehicle by which we share a really important reality in what makes us human -- the need to connect with other humans and have tactile knowledge that we really are one people, that we are not alone, that we are not the only ones dealing with life, the universe, and everything. I love it when things make us less alone. So this is my stab at lessening the alone factor.

I've tried before to start a blog, but I always either get busier and don't take the time or feel like the venue isn't quite right. I really enjoy writing... the act of sorting and finding words for the pieces. I love reading blogs, so maybe this is part of equalizing the equation. I want this to be one of those blogs with things people enjoy reading and not just one where people catch other people up on what's going on in their lives, although some of that probably happens as a matter of course. Another thing I love about blogs is that you learn things about someone you already know when you're reading their blog. I love that the journal has become a public forum. I feel like it's a product of our society's having become more separate coupled with our inherent desire to be "heard" and "seen". (aside to self: I love that I keep mistyping "heard" as "heart.") For the whole of the rest of history people have lived close to the same home area and community their whole lives. It's only very recently that we've changed, and I think it's bad for us. I think that humans are naturally communal creatures. I think that we need each other, and I think that journaling, normally something private, has become private as yet another sign that we all want the connection. We're all wired to connect, and not connecting is not healthy... although I've seen blogs I feel like aren't healthy either, but whatever.

I am 26. I have lived in 2 countries, the US and Israel for a year when I was 18. I have 4 younger sisters who amaze and inspire me daily. I have a diverse background which has made me simultaneously thin-skinned and thick-haired, a combination which, without sharing too many details, annoys me more than I feel like a body should because I feel like I just shouldn't have to spend so much time removing issues my physical frame creates on its own.

I am a member of the Baha'i Faith, something very important which you can learn more about either by asking me or looking up for more imformation. Being a Baha'i means that I believe that it's time for us to learn how to get along better as a world. It means that I am a follower of Baha'u'llah ( Whose Writings say what I find to be the most profound things about God, life, our purpose, how to be happy, what unity really means, and what unity can accomplish. I am thankful for this direction, guidance, and sense of direction in my life and truly don't know what people do without it.

I am on the tails of unemployment. I am told that I am about to be offered as position which I'm not sure I can talk about quite yet, and when I do, there will be things I can't say about it because it deserves some distance from the critical world the internet sometimes is. All I'll say right now is that I've worked a few jobs by now which were things I could do for a while as I was figuring out what I really wanted to be doing. This job is not one of those. I will be starting grad school in January to get my certification in family and marital counseling, and this job is a good start in that direction. I'm excited about it, as well as curious and interested to see what will happen and where it will lead.

I'm also single. I say this with trepidation. As it turns out, I dread above almost all else (even above the idea of being alone my whole life, which makes me less like afraid and more like sad) being one of those people who can talk about nothing except how alone she is and how much she wants to not be alone... but remember that thing I said earlier about blogging making us feel less alone with our sad and more like we're sharing part of the collective human experience? I feel like that's applicable here.

I want to share that part of my experience. I have people in my life who want to be married (not just dating casually or having sex, but married, making babies on purpose, and building something) and simply can't find the right person. It is an extremely frustrating and disheartening process, fraught with all sorts of opportunities to second-guess oneself and one's worth, all sorts of disappointments and opportunities to go places by oneself, especially when the other camp in the peer group are the married-and-loving-its. I don't mind my own company, but I am a natural coupler from a big family. It's strange to me to plan and do things alone. Part of me is even a little weirded out by the transitions coming up with this job because it feels a little wrong to be making these plans alone... not wrong like "I'm doing something wrong", wrong like "this isn't the way this is supposed to go". It's not that I can't make the plans by myself (I can and am) or that I think that I can't do this alone (I can and am) or that I don't want to work (I don't, but does anyone really?) or that I had some expectation of being a soccer mom by now (I hate minivans). It's just that it's not natural for me to make plans which only include me, and so few of my dreams are ones I can complete alone. I'm not, in reality, alone. God is, of course, the Omnipresent, and I have family and a family of friends for whom I am eternally grateful and by whose love and support I am surrounded. It's just that I'm the only one building this particular life, and I can't wait to live until this part of my life looks like I want it to. Life, apparently, is and has been happening regardless of what I'm making it look like. In reality, there's so little I can do about that part of my life other than be open to possibility... and it's why I haven't really been talking about the recent life events with some of the people who are closest; if the plans are really being made alone and the life is really alone, then I need to pick where I'm going without having to wonder what my motivation is. No one else is invested, so I want the decision colored by me and God.

Anyway, so I'm going to write about this singleness part, too, even though it makes me vulnerable... and I hate how much I hate that. The world can smell fear, and I feel like every time I start to let down my guard it makes me less interesting to people... because, as it turns out, the indestructible among us are actually human, too. It's a common mistake actually. Just because I don't startle easily doesn't mean that there's nothing soft here. People get very black and white about things; I'm a strong person or a weak person or shy or out-spoken or whatever. I'm all of those things. I'm a very deliberate collector of people with the capacity to interact with that reality.

So maybe that's it for the background? Sure. Why not. It's not like I can't add more... in fact, that's totally the point, right?


Elizabeth said...

I like this one. not as much as I like you, but I like it all the same.
yay for you blogging! consider me addicted. :)

Corinne said...

I think this is one of my favoritest things that you've written about yourself and your view of the world. And yes I purposefully used a word that doesn't exist in the Oxford dictionary, but it is in the Bahiyyih - Corinne - and others dictionary :).